Like, I think he was probably considerably older than the eight-day-old Megamind–a year old? eighteen months? But he is still disconcertingly not baby-like, even for an older age.
(have you read my fic Teeth? it really highlights the whole disconcerting-ness of baby Metro Man / Metro Man in general.)
I always thought baby Metro Man looked kinda like a Renaissance baby, ‘cause I mean:
They’re weirdly muscular-looking and very out of proportion, and Metro Man has that look to him as an infant/toddler.
(I’ve always found baby Megamind to be infinitely cuter than baby Metro Man anyway. :p)
did i ever tell u guys that in fifth grade my class wrote a play bc we were studying ancient greece? it was called persephone and the (not so hot) heroes. i played demeter. basically, persephone got kidnapped by kronos and i strong armed hades into giving me 3 heroes from the underworld to get her back but they were actually terrible and i forget how she was actually saved but bottom line is that you wish you were my fifth grade class
this wasn’t little either, we used the town hall and we wore togas and shit
me as demeter
some lines (this was a joint effort of a bunch of greek-savvy 10/11 year olds):
athena: ‘im the goddess of wisdom but you don’t notice me telling everyone. i’m too smart for that’
–
aphrodite: is zeus chasing some mortal woman again?
athena: no this time he and hera have gone for marriage counselling
–
athena: we can ask hades to let them out of the underworld to help
aphrodite: he’ll never agree, he’s such a deadly bore (we made a fucking pun im so angry)
–
demeter: hades wont pick up. he’s too busy torturing the dead in tartarus
–
hades: i can’t undo the laws of death. just think of the paperwork.
–
aphrodite: the humidity is messing up my hair. it’s getting all frizzy
athena: is that all you care about?
aphrodite: no, it’s also messing up my dress
–
demeter: it’s so dark, and there aren’t any trees or flowers
hades: what do we need trees for, everybody’s dead
–
paris: yeah, and i can shoot straight! isn’t that right, achilles?
–
(hades enters)
paris: who are you? do we know you?
–
achilles: im mighty achilles
odysseus: im wily odysseus
paris: and im hungry paris
–
kronos: i really am awesome, aren’t i
–
aeton: one wrong move and you’re history
odysseus: fool! we already are history!
–
demeter: where are those mortals? i left them right there.
athena: are you sure? this isnt the first time you’ve lost someone.
I suddenly have the need for the entire screenplay, and to direct it at my college.
I do feel bad for plants in general. Like, I know they are often as vicious as animals in many ways, just slower. But, I mean, they just show up and they’re like, “I Think I Will Evolve To Eat The Sun And Also Make Oxygen And How Now Is All This.” And, like, everything fucking dies at first (totally not plants fault, btw. okay maybe it was but they didn’t mean to) but then new things evolve. And they’re like, “Fuck it, eating each other suuuucks. Let’s eat the plants which give us life.” And so we start doing that. And plants are all, “Oh Dear No, I Do Not Care At All For Being Eaten. I Will Make Myself Into Poison Sometimes.” But, y’know, stuff kept eating plants anyway so plants, ever the bro, came up with a new idea. “I Have Made A Decision About Being Eaten And You May Eat Me Friends And Here Is An Especially Tasty Bit Packed All Full of Delicious Sugars Which I Have Produced At Great Cost (What They Do Not Know Is That My Seeds Are Within And Shall Be Propagated Near And Far By Their Dung)“ But that’s not good enough for animals, no, not at all. We love the fuck out of some pomegranates but also alliums which are like, “I Have Not Decided To Go In For This Being Eaten Business. I Shall Be Very Foul Tasting And Also A Poison.” But no, sorry, onions, you fucked up. You accidentally wound up with a species that just doesn’t give up or fully comprehend the idea of things tasting “”‘bad’“’ or other concepts like not eating poison. (Sorry, plants, later we turn some of you who are not poison into a poison we consume recreationally. We really enjoy eating poison.) Legit, alliums are deadly to, like, every other species. And we call them aromatics and throw them in everything. Peppers are the best, though. They completely got on the being eaten train. BUT ONLY BIRDS Peppers are like, “You May Eat Me, Fair Avian, For You Are Sure To Spread Me A Great Distance. But, Mammal, Take HEED. Should You Eat Me Then I Will Burn You Most Terribly.” And we were all about that. “The FUCK, burning? I love pain,” said humans, presumably. “You know, peppers, you and evolution have done a good job at burning us but I am pretty sure we could make your chemical agony even more potent. Come hang with us,” humans added to a very confused pepper just before creating the ghost chili.
@setepenre-set Temptress Roxanne, post-fic, very drunk, to a highly amused Megamind.
Did you just… Evil Monologue to me about the virtues and evolutionary innocence of plants?
“I love that character,” I say as I come up with upsetting headcanons for them. “Absolutely adore them,” I tell you as I bunny up sad story ideas for them. “They’re my favorite,” I sigh as I pick the most depressing songs for a playlist for them.
“I just want them to be happy,” I insist as I write horribly angsty oneshots centered around their misery.
“My son,“ I say as I think warmly about his broken body huddled on the ground.
“I love you so much”, I say, as I fill them with self hatred.
oops accidental bonus headcanons because JEDI KNIGHT HAN SOLO, oooooops oh well too late now!
“It’s LUCK, kid,” Han scoffs dismissively, then proceeds to grab up the lightsaber himself and turn on the training droid, then close his eyes and nail every single bolt before knocking the thing right out of the air. “Also, see that, you don’t even NEED the Force to do that.” “… perhaps, but that was the Force you just did that with,” Obi-Wan replies slowly. “What,” Han says.
It was definitely the Force. “I AM NOT A JEDI,” Han Solo yells as he is dragged kicking and screaming into Jedi training by the power of Luke’s excitement at not being the only one suffering the indignity of getting hit in the ass by randomized droid blaster-shots, literally just that. Also Obi-Wan tells him he might be able to shave half a parsec off the Kessel Run, if he hones his Force-sense finely enough, which, well, FINE then. BUT ONLY FOR THE KESSEL RUN.
“I have a bad feeling about this.”
“I HAVE A VERY BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS.”
“DID I MENTION THE BAD FEELING THAT I HAVE ABOUT THIS BECAUSE IT IS AN INCREASINGLY BAD FEELING.”
Leia is so appalled by the state of the Jedi in this galaxy. “Sorry, sweetheart, we can’t all be bright-eyed little beacons of galactic hope,” Han says, smashing a Stormtrooper over the head with his lightsaber hilt. The blade is blue but NO ONE WOULD FUCKING KNOW, CONSIDERING HOW RARELY HE USES THE DAMN THING. Generally speaking Jedi Knight Han Solo uses his lightsaber as A) a laser cutter and B) a blunt instrument. Obi-Wan is dead and he is STILL going to die of shame on behalf of the Order.
“WHY ARE WE ON THIS HELLISH SWAMP PLANET AND HOW DO WE GET OFF IT YESTERDAY.”
The amount of gimer-stick whaps that Han Solo suffers has not been seen in the galaxy since Yan Dooku was a snotty little baby padawan who couldn’t be assed to pay attention to anything not saberplay for more than fifteen seconds at a time.
Lando takes one look at Han Solo holding a lightsaber and laughs for TEN THOUSAND YEARS. Chewbacca is like THANK YOU, AT LAST SOMEONE ELSE SEES THE FUCKING HILARITY OF THIS SITUATION, THANK YOU, CALRISSIAN.
“Dark Side my fine Corellian ASS, I’ll show you the fucking DARK SIDE, YOU PIECE OF BANTHA SHIT, LET ME AT HIM–”
setepenre-set 